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Halloo,
Will I ever smile again? I really don’t know!!!
What I know for sure is this- it won’t be from lack of trying.
I am at a loss right now, devastated cannot even describe how I feel. I am really at rock-bottom.
I can’t walk straight because of the medication I am on. I am so sick that no amount of willpower can get me to do daily tasks easily.
My face hurts, my eyes water, the glare from everything makes my head hurts. My ear rings and echoes. I am a mess!
All these by myself. Yes, I am supposed to have people around me. But I can’t even stomach people who are uncomfortable to be around me, just hanging around because they are duty-bound. I can’t just do it.
I am not a charity case. I will rather people go where they truly want to be, not be here because it is their duty to be here.
I really don’t know how I am ever going to face the world again? What if this never go away, the doctor says it will in time, but what if it doesn’t?
What does it mean?
I can never eat in public again? Because I eat with half my face, dribbling, and drooping like a toddler.
I need a straw to drink a cup of tea forever?
People will stare at me- The freak with the lopsided face?
I have to wear an eye patch over my eye because it won’t close?
Will I ever go back to work again? God! I love my job. I love the purpose, the stability it gave me. Am I going to lose that? On top of everything else.
My life turned upside down in a matter of days, the life I fought so hard to build living with chronic pain.
We hear stories of people overcoming adversity to achieve great things. All I seem to do is overcoming adversity to get to more adversity.
You fall so often that getting up is not that easy anymore. I tell you this right now, I am tired.
I think it is easier to just let life do as it pleases, it seems to be doing just that anyway!
There are only so many times you can reach rock bottom and climb out.
I don’t know, I really don’t know.
So the question is will I ever smile again?
If my face permits, then I will.
Stay with me,
Ruka
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